So much hate in my core

I've suffering with health problems since this past October. On October 4th I ended up in the hospital. I always knew I was anemic. My mother always told me. She never told me that it was something I could manage. She just always said I anemic. I thought it was like a condition. Like something I was born with, and it would always be that way. You probably are wondering. ...How stupid am I.   

I'm not stupid. I just process things a little differently. I was brainwashed for so long. It took my whole childhood to become that person I was, When I became an adult.  I had no life skills.  All I knew about myself, was that I was a burden. That I ruined things. I was always in trouble. I was always getting beat with a wooden paddle, or my step fathers leather belt. I often couldn't sit, because of the welts. Over time he started to hit my back, because I'd have to play sick on the days I couldn't sit on my rear, at school.

I having chest pain. after a blood test, they told me that all of my iron stores were depleted and my blood was 7.0 . I was having chest pain, because my body was shutting down. They gave me liquid iron through a IV and started me on a high dose Iron routine. Taking high doses of Iron can be painful. I get all these weird electric shocks all over my body. The only good thing is...That I'm not really going bald. I was loosing my hair in clumps because my stores were completely depleted. I started getting stomach issues ....We thought it was ulcer.....it was something else.

I got this in the mail last Saturday.

I'm grateful that whatever it is, was caught early. I have my doctors appointment next week. And I'll have more answers then.  The last test I have to take, is a ultrasound.  This seems like something simple. They will go in and remove it during an endoscopy, I assume. 

Getting the letter , wasn't upsetting.  The hard part was....having no one to call. Yes my husband and Son. But no one else. I started to have a breakdown and started messaging my mother a bunch of mean messages. Why? Because I'm a 41 year old women without anyone to call on...because I dont trust anyone.  If my mother doesnt care about me...how can I expect others too? That's how I rationalize.

Even though things will be okay....The letter was still upsetting for me. 

We decided to take a few days off of work , and head up north for a locksmith training that we originally said no, to.  The training was near an healing center I've been to. So I was able to participate in some Ayurvedic massages and healing rituals in the evenings. I really needed it. 

I also spent time with older women that I met.  I realize that I'm sick because I'm so angry and carry so much hate for my mother...and an aunt, who pretended I didnt exist, because I no longer wanted my mother to live with me. I called her to disucss how having my mother living with me, was bad for my mental health. It was my therapist who told me that having my mother living with me, was a unhealthy situation. Well when I tried to tell my aunt, that my mother should live with my brother. She got so irritated with me, she tried to make me feel bad, about not being able to care for a woman who never mothered me.    Her husband was convicted of molesting me at age 16.. She should have helped me to heal...instead at the age of 16 she had me paying 300$ rent, plus paying for my own therapy.

Those 3 years were terrible. Instead of helping me heal, she was focused on herself.  She stayed married to her husband. Played the victim. Had me lie to extended family, she told me to say he was working at a lodge in Loyalton California.   By the time I was 19 she had enough of me. She didnt know me, because she didnt raise me. Her husband did. I didnt have life skills. And she decided that it was time for her to live. She eventually broke up with her husband. ...Because she met another man. 

seeee. I could go on and on. I carry this hate in my stomach. I know that's what it is. 

She doesnt deserve anything from me. But I'm going to pray for her and for my aunt.  I always thought we were close.  If we were, she never would have gotten upset , that I got to place in my therapy, where I had to start removing bad things.  She should have been happy to see me move forward. But she was upset with me.... That's when I realized ...She's not there yet. She doesnt accept my path, because she never intended to see me happy. Looking back on the things she said about her family...It makes sense. But I was young and suffered from a lack of motherlessness. I was a weak minded person...and she knew that.  She even played in my head on a spiritual level.   

So I'm going to pray for them. I forgive them, for everything. For screwing with me head. They dont know any better. They were raised by my grandmother....actually my aunt was raised by her aunt. Because my grandmother was a terrible mother.  My grandmother, told my mother to stand by her man.   I forgive her too. 

I just pray to God, that if reincarnation exists. I dont want to be with that group again. They are horrible to children. 

I have so much hate...that every time I say I want to pray for them...All these things come to my head. Memories of how they never taught me anything...just complained and made me feel like a burden.

So please everyone ...pray for me. Because I want to let go of this hate...and its hard. its really hard.

A new day

I really lost it yesterday. I'm sorry. I was feeling sorry for myself, because I suffer from a lack of parental love....that no matter how pathetic it is. Its my reality.  Its really time I accept that my mother will never make things right between us. It's apparent that she doesn't care...and I'm driving myself  crazy over it.

My husband had a serious talk with me today. There were a lot of tears. The thing is....I'm going to be a grandmother soon. 

My son had agreed to move back home. He'll take over our locksmith shop, so that my husband can start to recover from health problems.  I'll work with him, and so will my daughter law...as time allows. 

That's a really big blessing. I have serious abandonment issues. My son is making my life so easy. I cannot carry this hate anymore. Because its pure hate. It burns in my soul. Sometimes I question the thoughts that go through my head.  It's making me sick. I cannot allow that sickness to affect a new life. 

So I will do what I set out to do. I will purchase a web site...and gather stories. Stories of Amac's. I will continue to advocate for children. But I will no longer accept this depression.

I will focus on the good...and be grateful I'm out of that situation. 

I owe it to my son, I owe to my future grandchildren...they a deserve a role model, who is not broken.

In the spirit of the future. I decided to buy some online editing software. I'd like to speak about AMAC issues one day, but first I need to gain that confidence. So I'm going to use youtube to get familiar with speaking. I really have no formal education....so I'll learn any way I can. 

I accept positive criticism.

This is the first time I've really tried to edit a video. I hope you enjoy 

 

I wish I had someone older than me...Like a parent figure. Someone who'll listen to me, and just tell me positive things, like a mother would.

I'm in a really bad place right now.  I had a endoscopy recently, that I thought went well...But apparently didn't.
I have chronic gastritis and a tumor in my small intestine.  My appointment for the results are on the 21st.
They also made me an appointment for an abdominal ultrasound on the 14th...so we'll see.

So I sent my mother a message ...bcz I'm weak. And when one feels sick, they think of their parents.
It wasn't a nice message. It was a follow up to my December message,  that she never replied to.

Here it is.....
You haven't called anyone to tell them the truth.  You don't care about my closure.
River told me , I should expected it. He reminded me, how you abandoned us, when he was baby and lived in a shelter.
Thinking back, I was so messed up because of my childhood. You don't want to do the hard work of parenting....so you get rid of me. I don't believe I allowed you back into my life after that.
The only reason I'm messaging is to tell you, that I've lost all love for you.
In my last message, I told you I was having ulcer issues. Well I've been in and out of hospitals. And I'm currently with severe gastritis,  and a tumor in my small intestines... Things are pretty bad for me. The only thing keeping me going, is that my son is returning home with his wife and my soon to be born grandchild. I'm praying things turn around, but if they dont....I take comfort in knowing that I was never wrong.  Looking back,  you were what was wrong. You were a lazy parent.
My son has promised me, that that no matter how my health is, you'll never have access to me or my family again.

You might think I'm mean for sending this. But I m human. And it's just beyond me. ..how a mother like you exists.
I care more about son, Th an myself. If he asked me, to tell the truth, or never hear from him...I'd of done that.  But you...I don't know what type of creature you are.
You should of been in prison for child neglect.

Instead I'm in prison. In prison with the truth, and with the fact that my own flesh and blood refuses to do the right thing.

.......
Seriously though...please pray for me. I'm a emotional mess.
I have to many things to do in this life. I'll fight and stand up for what's right. I just want my health back.

Last night went great

Last night was great!!!
I feel very good about my representation of the RJP.  I was so honored to be part of a roundtable , with other  local non profits.  We discussed ways we could better support each other.
It felt good to be surrounded by others,  who understand that volunteering, is essential to life.  I was surrounded by a bunch of "givers of self" . It was a great feeling.

I did however ask our local police chief,  if she thought Californians would support capital punishment for convicted pedophiles.  She reminded me that Californians don't support capital punishment period. She's right.  But, I won't give up.  I'll keep writing letters, and I'll continue to collect life stories of those affected by childhood sexual abuse.  I just need to change my path. But the end goal , is the same.

Sometime things fall through

I've been stepping out of my comfort zone, and exposing myself to situations that will help me on this journey.

1 thing about me, is I'm not very good at speaking, in front of others.  I grew up with a stutter,  that magically disappeared,  when my step father was sentenced in court.
I was also in speech therapy growing up because,I couldn't pronounce my R's, Sh, ssss,  and ch sounds.
I'm not going to let that stand in my way. I will become a good speaker!
Tonight I get my first opportunity.
I'l be representing the RJP (Restorative Justice Partners) at the non profit volunteer summit,  in my community.
I spent last night writing my alloted 3 minute introduction.   This morning I arrived at the RJP office to practice the introduction.  I was so nervous, that as I left, I forgot my cell phone at their office. .

So wish me luck! I'm doing this for us, and for the children!

There is life...eventually

Most of my posts surround my childhood, or how I'm trying to get things done. The only reason I'm even sharing so much of myself...is so that possibly, I might connect with 1 person, who can lead the path, to changing the laws surrounding pedophilia. 

So the only way I can keep that going, and keep people interested, Is to share some of myself.

I'm finally in a good place in my life. I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. However, I'm come to appreciate life a little better. My family is the reason.

Today, I'll share a little about my son. He's 22 years old. He's currently in the military.  He's stationed in Okinawa. My mothers, mother was Japanese...so of course he's gotten me a bunch of traditional gifts.  The following are items that will remain in our family forever. They will always be a reminder of his time, serving his country.

The first real authentic gift he gave us were Kokeshi Dolls. We were pretty amused by these dolls. We all agreed they looked like some version of my husband and I.

Our family and friends are a small circle. However we represent a unique bunch. Friends from all races and religions. The heart of our family is present in our family altar. I'm not going to show the entire altar...as I'm highlighting Japanese traditional crafts. However, I will share that we follow a variety of teachings, as we believe , knowledge grows us. 

My son purchased this laughing Buddha for my husband. My husband was born Maronite catholic.....but every time he see's the laughing Buddha, it makes him feel good. This photo doesnt do this piece justice. It's very heavy. I'm not sure what type of wood it is...but again, the photo doesnt show the beauty. 

This is a cup from 1 of the tea sets that my son sent us. I've never seen a glass, like this. Its hallow between the outside, and the tea holding area. It prevents the tea cup from feeling hot in your hand.

So the next items he sent us, were purchased for the main purpose of protecting our future family home... You can find out more about them in the following link.

                         https://www.tofugu.com/japan/komainu/

This tea set is for daily use. I've used it daily since returning home from a vacation with him and his wife, in November. Tea has always been something we enjoy.

We've received 2 tea sets. I'm so grateful, that my son knows how to shop.  This one was purchased to use for holidays and special occasions' 

A different view of the same tea pot.

I hope you all enjoyed this post. My son is the 1 thing that I got right.

Have a great week!

Our AMAC group is slowly growing....and personal weekend update

I've created a Facebook group with some friends...You can find the group on Facebook. We are using the abbreviation A.M.A.C (Adults Molested As Children). I've known this word since the week I turned 18.  That's the week, I went from being in a all girls group therapy....to being in a coed group with about 11 other adults. Male and female. It was the first time I understood , it happened regardless of gender...and that pedophiles were both male and female. If your interested in finding out group, here's the link. It is private, and you will have to be approved. We accept AMAC's and those who want to help us change the law.  https://www.facebook.com/groups/AdultsMolestedAsChildrenUnite/A.M.A.C's Unite!

 So far there are 11 of us, in this group. And the past 2 days in a row...we've actually exchanged messages.

I want to share a blog , of another A.M.A.C

please follow her story as well


http://shannoninthedark.blogspot.com/

I didn't disappear

I apologize for not really checking in this week. I've had a lot of this week booked up, for a while.
I mentioned before that I volunteer with the Marina Chamber of Commerce,  as well as the RJP. My week was full of both commitments. I'm grateful to volunteer for both non-profits. 
The Marina Chamber of Commerce,  helps me stay involved with our buisness community. I always enjoy helping others and being part of a team. The Chamber allows me to be part of a team.  In my daily work, I'm usually working solo.

The RJP allows me to stay in contact with our local youth. I do my best, to make it aware..That Marina youth, are my #1 priority.  The youth in our community have a lot of us, looking out for them.

Okay, enough excuses. It's time for us to get things done.  So I'd like to schedule a chat. On Saturday and Sunday morning at 10am California time. I'd like to see if I can connect with some of you all for a chat.  If any off you have a better time, post it in our A.M.A.C's United group.  But I'll post a message at 10am.  :)

Have a good evening.

My Cat, Fluffy Rue. She's obsessed with my husband.

  Fluffy Rue 

silver linings

I’ve been trying to write this post for the past few days. As I initially began writing, I started questioning the paths that were being presented to me. So I thought, let me just think and ponder.

It’s very important that I remain focused on my end goal. It’s very easy to be excited about something just to have it all fall apart. Resulting from planning, that wasn’t well thought out or consideration wasn’t given to every participant.   That’s what I’m dealing with right now. I’ve had few opportunity’s present themselves. But every avenue I’ve been presented with…revolves around politics.  For me this is less a political thing. More a human thing. 

I’m jumping out on a limb here, and assuming the reason, A no one has made headway with this issue is pretty obvious. Where does a victim go to change the laws? To news stations and politicians?  Those they seek and turn to, are actually nothing more than opportunists. They have a goal that unlike ours …is a self-serving goal.  I need to always remember that. So, my first decision, is that…the foundation of our journey will be survivors.  My only goal at this moment is to make pedophilia a capital crime.

I have a lot of updates. But right now, I’m prepping for an endoscopy. Last summer, health issues crept up. But I’ve been taking care of myself.  After tomorrow, I should have a clear idea of the issues, and hopefully a treatment plan.

That’s one of the main reasons I haven’t been writing.  I’ve been so stressed out.  The doctor recommended that I go under anesthesia for the procedure. Severe PTSD and medical procedures can be pretty tricky. Now I’m regretting agreeing to going under. Because now I’m thinking, I’m going to be knocked out and people are going to have access to my body. Now, I know that no one will do anything to me. But I have no control over my brain, or flashbacks. This whole weekend I was kind of lost. Trying to distract myself…which was impossible. I can be a big mess, when anxiety creeps in. The silver lining is…. this is the worst thing in my life right now. So if the worst thing currently happening to me is, that I’m going to have a procedure, to find out what’s wrong with me.  Then I guess its time for me to count my blessings.  Sometimes It’s easy to get stuck, and hard to move forward.  As time goes on, it happens less.  My mother was fear based…I picked that up from her. It’s the last chain I need to break.

Send me good thoughts...I'll be back with a post on Wednesday.

I've had a very busy week

Updates comming later today.  Don't worry, I didn't loose focus. I just had to really consider how I can achieve these goals I have.
.......Thank you for your patience!

How will I make pedophilia a capital crime?

I have been writing things down on paper...I have so many idea's. I've been messaging a lot of people on Facebook.  I joined a few groups and let them know my intentions. I'm basically trying to recruit survivors who are ready to tell their story.

I have an idea of a faces website. You click on the face, and the face is a link, to that person's story. Those who aren't ready to show their identity....instead of a face, a circle. Inside the circle will say the age and gender the person currently is. This way all survivors can participate. 

This website is going to be my database.  I'm going to spend these next few years, fighting to change laws. I want to make Pedophilia a capital crime. This database will help me, and others, possibly you. I'd like to unite AMAC's (Adults molested as children). This is our fight. We can do this together.

As I'm messaging with other AMAC's. I'm realizing that many people need someone to talk with. I feel a buddy program would benefit our community. If it could be possible to pair someone further along in the recovery process, with someone new. Maybe on a rotating system, so that survivors can connect with multiple survivors throughout their journey.

The last is finding a way to have a live chat room. This way we can all meet up live online, and discuss things as a whole group.

I think I'm going to pour my current energy into these items, and see how I can accomplish them. 

What are your idea's?

If you are interested in being a face... So that I can fight to change the law, please join me

We welcome all who are fighting to make pedophilia a capital crime. This a human issue. Children everywhere are suffering right now.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/AdultsMolestedAsChildrenUnite 

Do I have a life?

I'm sharing a bunch of really personal stuff about my life....but if you've stumbled here. You probably are curious who I am, outside of being a survivor.

It took a long time for me to get where I am today. I'm still healing. I think I may always be healing. I've embraced my PTSD and my past. I'm currently channeling all the bad feelings, to change the laws surrounding pedophilia. 

Today I owe who I am, to my husband and son.  Without them...I'd be in a very dark place.

I'm a mother and a wife before everything else.
I work full time and volunteer full time. I'm a locksmith. My husband and I run a locksmith shop together. However this year has been harder than most. My husband developed heart issues (side effects of cancer treatment).
Our 22 year old son is returning home with his wife and 1st child, after a 5 year contract in the Marines.  He's going to help us remain healthy, and in turn, we'll make sure , he never needs to leave our grandchildren with a babysitter.
Volunteering is my 2nd full time job. It does sometimes drive my husband crazy, that I'm spending hours doing random things for others, and not getting paid for my time. But this is where I thrive. Over time he's learned that it's vital for my healing. He was a volunteer in his youth, so it  re sparked something in him as well. He doesnt have the health to volunteer, but being a locksmith gives him the ability to help those of his choice.  We have a few elderly community members on fixed incomes.  It always makes him good to help them out. When an old person is so happy with him, that's where he thrives. He had an amazing relationship with his grandfather, and lived with him  growing up. This definitely is the reason. It breaks his heart how many old people have no one. Some never got married, or had children.  When they get old, they dont know who to call on. Their siblings and friends pass on. Family is truly everything. So were both givers at heart. Everyone has their passions. All of my volunteer work has a goal. The goal is to introduce me to others...and have people one day show up for me. Because I'm always showing up for others. That's how it works right? I sure am hoping so. 

I have 3 main interests when it comes to volunteering. 

First is the RJP. Restorative Justice Partners.  I'm a volunteer mediator for juvenile cases. The Monterey county juvenile probation department, passes us cases of first time offenders. My job , is to help them make things right with their victim and community at large. Those who go through our program age going to move forward in their life and do great! The best thing for me about working with the RJP. I get the Marina cases. I make it my personal business to look out for Marina youth. They know that if they can call on me for anything. Many people will criticize me for working with the RJP but then calling for capital punishment of pedophiles.  But people should be interested in why.  Pedophiles are hiding in every corner of society.  There is no cure against sexual preference. Adults who want to have sex with children...shouldn't be awarded human rights.  The dangers of keeping this person alive, weighs the benefits of keeping them alive.   Now I know I'm going to face a lot of adversity for this comment. However, I will show up to a televised debate. And debate anyone who wants to debate preserving the lives of pedophiles. So please understand that I do not see pedophiles as humans. No one should.
I find it cruel and unusual punishment that criminals are forced to be housed with these sub humans. Its wrong to put even a murderer with a pedophile.  I support criminal reform....but pedophiles cannot be reformed. There is no way to reform someone's sexual preference. So that's how I justify it!

2nd is Volunteering with my local Chamber of commerce. I'm a membership ambassador.  This is basically my social group. I'm not embarrassed to admit, I dont have many people I'm close to. The chamber has introduced me to some friends who have become , more like family. Since I do have a business in our city. It would be foolish of me, to not volunteer with our local chamber.

My 3rd interest, is anywhere the community can use me. I live in a small coastal town in central California. I finally feel that I've found home in my community. There are so many volunteers in my community. Every weekend, someone has someone going on. Our community is a community of volunteers and activists at heart. Of course you'll always see the same main people, even our Mayor. I love where I live. I'm realizing that life doesnt have to be horrible and miserable. I've slowly learned that in this community.  So when I have nothing going on, there will be a beach clean up, a park clean up, planting tree's day, or some community event that is looking for volunteers. Next door and Facebook is great for small communities. Our community is 22,000 small. So everyone knows pretty much everyone. It's very diverse and unique.

So yes, I do have a life. I will rest, once the laws have been changed.

I just got home and fliped on the TV

It's never on the news anymore. just clips. You have to flip to the channels no one watch's to see what's happening. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGuEq4x8nk0

This is what we are up against. These are not humans. They do not deserve human rights. There is a separate class of criminals. The criminal systems needs a big reform. It is cruel and unusual punishment to house a thief or a drug addicted fool with a sexual deviant. It's not right. What are we exposing other humans to? No wonder why many leave prison worse than they entered. There are different classes of criminals. We need to reform those who can be reformed, at a young age. Nip it in the butt. But we shouldn't house any criminal with a murderer or pedophile. They are a whole other reality. Its not comparable. It's disgusting we house them together. I will fight to protect everyone from pedophiles. They are society's curse.

If you’d like to join our fight and stand up for the unseen and never represented, look for our group on Facebook. My goal of this group, is to share ideas. Share information.  Work together across the country, and possibly across borders, to change the laws that protect children from adults.  Here we will discuss the ways to, to accomplish our goals.

A.M.A.C 's Unite! (Adults.Molested.As.Children)
https://www.facebook.com/groups/AdultsMolestedAsChildrenUnite/

Are you going to stand up against this? I'm not asking for money. I'm asking for you to consider whats going on.

I woke up early this morning to meet my friend Audra, at a local breakfast spot.  We've run into each other quite often this past year. We both love our community and are part of the group, who show up.  She contacted me, after viewing my Facebook post. She said were going to do this. I also have another good friend here in Marina, Whom I believe is interested in helping us on our local front. 

I kind of gave her an idea of the path I'd like to take. She gave me advice on how to decide exactly what my goals are, and what I was willing to do , to accomplish these goals. So I have homework.  I'm up for it! I'm hoping you all are to. If you dont have the time or ability to fight, please continue to follow this journey. At some point , if things progress, I may need people to stand up by voting. That's actually the goal!

In the meantime, I'm going to take my time and do this the right way. My friend is right. I need to make sure I dont loose focus of what I'm trying to accomplish here. My starting point is to create a network a faces. Faces that are ready to step forward. Faces that understand they may face adversity, but they understand what's at stake. The only way to gather support , and justify the elimination of convicted pedophiles, is for the world to see the long term side effects of childhood trauma. Many people have already contacted me personally (8) but they are ready to share their stories and start this walk. We understand that no one is going to step forward. 

Martin Luther King Jr was always one of my hero's. I guess its because I've always been a dreamer. Let me share my dream....I dream of a day where all of god's children have been educated that if anyone abuses their bodies, the whole world will embrace them, and throw away the bad guy!   

So  I'm asking those of you who are ready to take on this walk with us, look at the bottom of this post. There I will leave a way to connect with us. I'd like to grow many avenues for us to communicate. I also need leaders. If you feel passionate about this cause and want to become an advocate email me. We will find ways to connect on a more productive level, to be the bones of this operation. I cannot do this alone. This is not only my fight. This is our fight. There are so many me's  out there.  It's the end of the road for these terrible creatures. We've grown up, and we realized, no one did anything about the problem. 

We'll utilize the Facebook group for communication. I will continue my personal journey on this blog. And all of my crazy thoughts, and collect and share the reasons why...Children today need you to consider this. Those who are interested in sharing their story...I recommend starting a blog, we will support each other in our writings, this will make it easier to get our stories out there. If you are stuck on how to start. I know. I stared at the screen for hours. Email me, I'll talk you through things (Theladylocksmith@outlook.com). If you are going to contribute to this. I have time for you!!! You are going to be the reason this gets done! Please join me!

I will be posting the following at the end of each of my blog posts.

If you’d like to join our fight and stand up for the unseen and never represented, look for our group on Facebook. My goal of this group, is to share ideas. Share information.  Work together across the country, and possibly across borders, to change the laws that protect children from adults.  Here we will discuss the ways to, to accomplish our goals.

A.M.A.C 's Unite! (Adults.Molested.As.Children)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/AdultsMolestedAsChildrenUnite/

The spark is lit

I woke up early this morning. I walked/jogged around my neighborhood. Passing the parks and the library this morning...had a different meaning for me. I will not give up this fight. I will fight for those children in my community, and in your communities. 
This fight will take time. But I will not waiver.  I know that slowly our community of human's who want to stand up for children will grow, and we will fight together.

I'm looking for leaders,  who want to band together.  We can only do this together! This week I'll come up with some type of plan. I am looking for advice and support on how to proceed.  If your interested in being part of the solution, please email me at Theladylocksmith@outlook.com

Here are some photos , that reminded me, this community belongs to children.  All communities belong to children.  They deserve our protection. 

The women's March doesn't support free speech

Below is my Facebook post from yesterday. I was so upset and hurt. Especially because I was being rejected from a woman's march. For wanting to walk with a sign that said "Capital punishment for all convicted pedophiles.  No one one this women's March Facebook stood up for me, and they additionally deleted my messages again.  I realize now,  how necessary it is for me to pursue my goal. No one is going to take a stand against  pedophilia.  It's not a nice word, and no one wants to be associated with it. But the problem is,  right now, there are children everywhere, suffering at the hands of adults. Who do these children turn to?  Children's issues are women's issues, and the organizers should be embarrassed for excluding the true,  overlooked and under represented. This week in going to get together with 2 of my friends.  We will see, what can us regular humans do  to try and change laws. Please if you are a AMAC (adult molested as a child) email me... at theladylocksmith@outlook.com. I want to hear your story.  I cannot do this alone..  No one is going to stand up for children.  It's up to us.  Let's change things, so that they get the support they deserve. With out support,  they get stuck and are unable to move past the trauma. Please join me.

I'm in shock and I'm disgusted! Tomorow there will be a woman's march in Monterey. I was so excited because I've started writing about my childhood and felt that now is my time , to make amends with my childhood.  Most of you know that I'm survivor of severe childhood trauma that was inflicted by a pedophile and occurred daily my ENTIRE childhood. Staring at age 2. My abuser was convicted of his crimes, when I was 16. And I was an adult from that day forward,  my mother charged me rent on top of paying for my own therapy.    So the women's March for me,  was exciting because I would be surround by support. I mean women started the MeToo hashtag, I thought , "This is perfect" , I can finslly hold a sign, and have support walking with me.

I posted on their (Monterey women's March 2018) Facebook a few weeks ago, about walking with signs that say "Capital punishment for all convicted, pedophiles".   And the second sign would read "No one should have to recover from their childhood"  They deleted that post. Didn't even message me, just deleted it.  Today I reposted on that page, and was basically told this wasn't the March for me.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAINE TO ME,  HOW CHILDREN ISSUES, ARENT WOMENS ISSUES? 

I was really easy to silence before. But not anymore! I'm not some crazy person, who's trying to get people killed. I'm someone who is speaking up for those in that situation today. Because it's happening. You can pretend it doesn't exist, but look at the news.

They wished me luck in finding a march for me. Unfortunately,  there a no anti pedophile March.  I've even been messaging U.S. Senator Kamala Harris and Gavin Newsom asking them to take on this fight. No one cares.

I'm asking everyone I know to share my message. I'm looking for 1 politician to take on a fight of the true under represented. Children are the true under represented.

The only way I can heal, is to bring about justice for those in my situation today, that their journey will be easier,  and that there will be resources and help.  Most victims of pedophilia are usually estranged from their families, they don't have support.  No one's fighting for them.

Please share this post, I'd like to see some people showing up to these rally' s tomorrow  holding signs to end pedophilia. Maybe the women's March in Monterey doesn't care about children's issues,  but I'm sure others around USA do.
For more information on the long term effects of severe childhood trauma from sexual abuse go here and support me in changing laws. Direct me to the proper people, if you can help me change laws!
https://theladylocksmith.blogspot.com/

Aura migraine

I wrote about what a PTSD episode feels like in my last post.

I failed to mention all the different side effects that comes along with childhood trauma.  One of those side effects is brain damage.  It' on the topics that never makes it to mainstream media. Trauma at a young age , changes the way a brain works.  There are multiple brain scans of patients with PTSD. The truth is trauma causes brain damage. 

My abuse began when I was 2 years.  One of the side effects of my brain damage is Aura migraines. Less than 1% of migraine suffer'ers,  get these types of visual migraines.  

I'e been keeping a diary of things, that's helped notice a pattern leading up to my migraine. For up to 72 hours before a migraine.  Noises are louder and sharper. The lights are terrible and I'll notice the lights have a white shiny sheen to them.  Basically my vision goes wacko. When I was younger I'd close my eyes and pray when this happened.  I didn' understand..I'd think all kinds of crazy thoughts. I'd get scared and confused. And whrn i tried to explaine whst i was seeing...I was called crazy, instead of being helped.  I found these photos online of a little glimpse of what I deal with when experiencing a visual migraine.  But it doesn' let you feel the anxiety that happens when experiencing one.  They happen randomly. Sometimes I have to pull over if I'm driving. They last where from 15 minutes to an hour. A few months ago I had my first one that piggy backed. I was at the gym. Waited an hour  for it to finish.  Only to start driving and 5 minutes later, pull over and wait it out. That was the worst. 

Here's a link that gives you an idea. If you have this issue. Message me.   Check out the link below to see what an aura migrain looks like. https://www.google.com/search?q=Aura+migraine+photos&client=ms-android-hms-tmobile-us&source=android-browser&prmd=inv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwimp-vQouLYAhUE5mMKHccQBW8Q_AUICSgB&biw=360&bih=56&gws_rd=ssl

What does a P.T.S.D episode feel like for me?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a part of my life. I've spent so much time trying to heal from it,be stronger than it, get over it, move on from it. Unfortunately, its not that simple. PTSD is not a choice.  It's a side effect of deep trauma. It's something I've had to learn how to create a relationship with, to understand myself better. Instead if fighting it. I'm still doing a dance to try and understand the complexities of how my brain works.

Mental disability is never easy. But I promise, its a lot more frustrating..when it's a symptom of their childhood. No Adult should have to recover from their childhood.

I spent hours searching online, what does PTSD feel like for a victim of pedophilia. I found nothing. here is my experience.

I typically have a breakdown about once every 6 months. It's usually when a date passes or a holiday. When I see other families coming together...I start to isolate myself.  When I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Like I have been recently. 

It feels like my body has a cycle.  The last time I had a episode was right before Christmas, When I wrote my mother that email I previously posted about.  This time was too soon. less than a month away from my previous PTSD episode.  PTSD is the result of 2 things in my life. 1 is the abuse I suffered. The 2nd, is that I was raised both motherless, and fatherless. Yes I had adults in the home. But not adults that protected me or made me feel safe and loved. My mother worked from swing shift. 3pm to midnight. So I always had to be quite in the morning. Fend for myself. She was living her life...I was just part of her life. I do not have good memories from my childhood. My only good memories are when we were with extended family...because it meant I there was no way he was going to touch me during that time.  Anytime we went to relatives homes, He always told me....you cannot spend the night, dont ask. Bcz that is what I would do. I'd get my cousins to convince their parents of a sleep over.  Those were the best times . I was free for a night.  I understand now, why he didn't want me to sleep over. He didn't want me to open my mouth. 
What he didn't realize is that I was to scared to open my mouth. This man who everyone in my family seemed to love.  My mother had heart issues. She always made sure to let me know, that she didn't have heart problems, till I was born. The heart problems gave my step father, something to hold over my head. About 6 or 7 I started to rebel, I didn't want to go to his room anymore. And I even said that I was going to tell my mother. His response was very calm. He said something like "You've been doing this since you were younger. You turned me on and made me feel this way. You've been doing this. It will hurt your mother, she will have a heart attack and die. I will end in jail.....and you will be placed in foster home and raped by black men."   Seriously!!! This is was my life.  He blamed me for what he was doing to me.  He blamed me, for his actions. 

Okay, I just realized I went sooo far off. I stopped explaining what PTSD felt like..and lost my path. Happens far too often.

So It feels bad. I actually start to feel overwhelmed. I feel a deep sense of disconnection from everything. I start to question my reality. How can I be alive, if she didn't want me. Am I dream? Am I dead? I start to question who I am and what do I believe. I start to feel bad for myself...because I feel like I can never be normal. I start to get pains in my head. body aches. I become a little confused. Then a cold feeling of insecurity sweeps in...and then I'm in a full on attack mode that can last anywhere from 1 hour...to a few days. It's pretty exhausting.  My chest starts hurting and I'm convinced I'm dying. A lot of unnecessary trips to the ER to make sure that I haven't had a heart attack. I'm truly convinced that I'm dying. I will cry and sob for hours. I grow angry that I'm still experiencing symptoms from my childhood. I usually start to blame my husband. I tell him he doesn't care enough about my situation. I get upset that his family loves him. I become this little girl who cannot move on from the things, that have been done to me. Nothing can comfort me. Nothing can make it right. I get angry with God. I'll scream and shout at God. Sometimes I've even damaged religious relics in my home(shameful to admit)...because the hurt is so much, that I cannot believe in God at that moment. But after these episodes..I usually spend days praying and feeling guilty and thinking what will I say, if he's real?  It's a very horrible cycle. This most recent episode is because  of the letter I sent my mother. I've been waiting for her reply since December. And even though I knew she might not respond. It doesn't make it hurt any less.  I always think I'm strong. Then something happens that reminds me that I have a whole lot of healing to do. This most recent time. My husband called our 22 year son.  My husband is suffering heart issues...and he didn't have the energy to keep up with me this time.  The worst thing I have done in my life, is give my child to much responsibility. In a weird way, he's more of the parent than I am.  He makes decisions based on logic. He will walk away from his feelings , if its the right thing to do. I have this thing..where I bathe in my feelings..and all logic is lost.  He asked questions...then did what he does. Talked me down...and changed my thinking. But he also called me out on things. He's the only who can tell me how it is...and I wont get hurt, because I know its the truth. 

Had I received the care and support I was entitled to as a minor when my step father was convicted of sexually abusing me, I might have been able to move on from my childhood. However....once he went to prison, and I was 16 years old. My mother had me paying rent, and for my own therapy...And she let me know...that this was something I was going to have to get over, because he was returning home after serving his sentence. (I'll share all those stories as well). 

Martin Luther King

I've had a severe PTSD attack this weekend. I'll share with you all tomorrow. It's going to show you all, the ugly side effects of PTSD associated with childhood trauma...
Today I'm going to honor Martin Luther King Jr  and leave you all with a quote that is very appropriate.

Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children. - Martin Luther King Jr

The circumstances of my baby years. A call on parents to open their eyes.

I was born in may 1976 in San Jose California at San Jose Hospital. That hospital no longer exists. My birth certificate listed me with my mothers last name. My fathers name was there, his place of birth was "Lebanon". I never heard that word till I was 10 years old. My mother raised me believing that my abuser was my father. I'm 100% against a child calling a man who isn't their father...daddy. It's wrong, it's a lie. To some it seems an innocent lie. But its one of the most dangerous mistakes a woman can make. Or a man. I will eventually touch on the stigma, of childhood sexual abuse being a something that only happens to girls. It happens to boys as well. I've been part of adult AMAC therapy groups , where the gender in attendance was equal...and so were the abusers gender. They were 50% male 50% female. The stories......devastating.

....getting back on track- It happens far to often. Parents giving strangers full private access to their children. Everyone thinks they are invincible. They think this cannot touch them. That they would never bring someone into their child's life, that will hurt them.  Sadly, it happens everyday. We see it on the news ever night. We read it on Facebook everyday.  Children being raped by a boyfriend or girlfriend. Children being murdered to cover up sexual abuse.

The sentences.....pathetic. Children have no chance against adults. Adults have all the support, all the money, they get the lawyer they can afford. The victim gets a public defender. Imagine a child in a court room. A young inexperienced child. No one wants to put her on the stand, because she's scared, its making her sick. But how easy does the pedophiles lawyer rip through a school age child's issue's on the playground. Smear these children out to be harlots....its amazing. When I think back to the police interrogation about my accusations. It was scary . I had to show up to the san Jose police station. They said that if I did that they wouldn't take me into child custody. I stayed with family for a while...but they bounced me around.  Yeah I was alone in a police interrogation room. Answering questions.....looking back, my stepfathers nephew worked for San Jose Police Department....I wonder if that had anything to do with it.  And the story my abuser came up with.....wow. I had to defend myself from all these accusations about myself. I'll have to get my hands on that police report, so that I can share it in full here.

Parents...are you reading what I'm writing here? Do not allow your child to suffer all the things I'm sharing with you all!  Dont raise a child...that has to tell the world...how miserable their childhood was. Dont be that parent! PLEASE! When you make choices that lead to a life, you need grow the hell up and stop being selfish. If you dont feel compelled to love this child. Give it to a family who cannot have a child of their own. The helpless child...is more important than you. And if you dont agree. Take the child to social services, then get yourself fixed! If you know adult who are LAZY Parents, tell them the truth! It is not acceptable to walk away, when something wrong is happening. Im not asking to interfere...but far to often, things are said or done in public, that is highly creepy....Say something. I promise you...I was waiting for someone to speak up for me when I was a child. Sometimes I even created situations...and was usually shamed by those whos attention I was seeking.  Children aren't just bad. They dont just create lies...unless they learn to lie, they dont get bratty and aggressive, unless they have some type of social or medical disorder or are spoiled brats. Anything outside of that...is something deeper. Not always sexual abuse...but some type of abuse....emotional, mental, guilt, witnessing drug abuse, parents separation. Children are very resilient, they should carry stress. If they are, the parents aren't doing their job properly, and somethings slipping through the cracks.

When I was a baby, my mothers lover Agnes was living with us. My father even knew about her. She wrote in my baby book. Told me that she, and my sister Jessica were leaving. Jessica was Agnes's daughter.    These stories make me feel grateful that I made it out with only PTSD. I had no chance at a normal childhood. Maybe my mother was gay? Maybe if she stayed with Agnes I wouldn't of been abused? Who knows? Did all these bad things happen to her because, she wasn't living in the truth? I know bad, brings more bad.

My mother met my abuser soon after, he was her best friends new boyfriend.  Thatshould of been the first red flag. They were married within a year. I was almost 2 when they married. First he lived with us. I remember the small 1 bedroom we lived in. I wasn't even 2 years old. I can draw the layout of the home and the furniture. Its still so fresh in my mind. Then we moved to Eastwood Ct.

If you want to know more about me

https://www.facebook.com/beyrout

https://www.youtube.com/user/angelicnader/

I dont hate my mother

I did. I used to hate her so much. Now I just hurt for her. Especially as she's aged. I feel bad for her. I cant imagine feeling
Throughout my life, my emotions for her always went up and down. As a child she was the most important person to me. I admired her. I remember when I was a little girl she had long straight dark hair. She looked a lot like the other women in my family, her mother, her younger sister. The genes in my mothers family are so strong, that when I was younger, I would tell people that my younger cousin was my twin. I don't remember the details. But I think back ...Why doesn't anyone confront us on obvious lies when we were teens? haha  So yes...She was everything I wanted to be. I had the same affection, any young child has for their mother.

My mother became a mother under unusual circumstances. Only 21 years old. Dating my father, who was already married. She claims she didn't know he was married till she was already pregnant.  My older brother suffered a traumatic childhood due to the fallout of that situation. I'll get back to my older brother in the near future.
When my mother was in labor, my grandmother called my brothers "mother" and said things like "just divorce him, my daughter is in labor".  A phone call no wife would have ever expected to receive.  It completely broke her. She ended up being hospitalized due to the stress. During that time, my brother would stay with us, when our father was at work.   ......After his mother was released from the hospital, she took my older brother and  left.  They ended up leaving the state. A trip that would cause confusion for most of my brothers life. His version is actually very sad and heartbreaking. .  He was just in elementary school. He knew that I was his sister, he knew he had to leave his Father. I cant even imagine.  
So, Yes. I imagine the situation was quite hard and impossible for her.  At the age of 22 she found love and lost everything. Faced a lot of adversity, due to a dishonest lover.  She suffered a lot for her choices. Now there was a child involved.

If you want to know more about me

https://www.facebook.com/beyrout

https://www.youtube.com/user/angelicnader 

My mothers husband was my abuser...so was one of his bothers and his father, more on that later.

The relationship between mother and daughter should be sacred. I've ached for real parental love for far too long. The hardest part, is when I compare my love for my son,  next to the love I've received from my mother. 

The last time I spoke to my mother, was over a year and a half ago. As you learn my story, I'll share what caused our final estrangement.  

Right now I'm going to jump to the end. The end that brought me here to share my story. After I told her I never wanted to see her again(because I was fed up with the disrespect)...she accepted it , didn't fight for our relationship. I guess that's what I've always wanted from here. To fight "FOR ME" . I wanted to her to put herself out there and actually show love.  Prove her love. Not something mothers usually have to fight for. But as I go on, you'll understand.

May 11th 2017..I receive this message on Facebook from her...........

Happy Birthday love you may you have a by your great day their is not a day that goes by that I miss you mom

This was my reply December 14th 2017

I come back and read this message every so often. But I dont believe you. If you think of me every day....What have you done to make things right between us? Have you gone to all of your family and let them know ...that i wasnt a liar? Because when I was 16 years old. You told them all that I was liar. You told them that JR was a victim and I was manipulative. You have had since I was 15 years old ...to clear my name, You havent. And it's been 1 1/2 year since having a funeral for Dolores and not inviting me. In that 1 1/2 year...I was waiting to see what you would do to make things right. You did what you always do...you just waited. Becuase you'd rather not deal with things and wait till I get over things.  I dont accept that anymore. You did me wrong. And my own family was protecting you from me...because of all the things you said about me.  I hope that before you die, you take accountability and go to everyone and tell them the truth. Because before you clear my name...I cannot forgive you. You've had over 25 years to do this.  You know I'm really hurt by you. Your my mother. And the 1 person who would fight for me. You never did.  And as I got older. I thought eventually you'd go tell people the truth. But instead you continue to bad mouth me by saying bad things about my husband to your sisters.  Your husband was trash...not mine! How dare you defend a pedophile...but trash talk my husband who has done everything for me and my son. Do you see the problem here?  You really need to look back at things. This year I've been severly ill. I was in the hospital, I Have a bleeding ulcer ...mostly due to stress. Probably from crying all the time...becuase I compare your love for me...with my love for my son...and it makes no sense.  I'm mentally much more stable because i've been seeing a therapist for a few years now. And I'm waiting. Waiting for you to do the right thing. I cannot clear my name. Only you can. You painted me a liar as a child..and I've never been able to shake that. Who would believe anything I say , after you allowed your husband to be the victim. You need to them you werre wrong and tell them all the truth. I didnt get clossure from JR . I hopeing that you dont do the same thing..and pretend that things were great. Bcz they werent. When I look back on my childhood..I remember beatings...and being raped...my childhood was hell!

I go online and look at (xxxxxx) facebook to see photos of the girls. And I noticed that there was a photo of (my niece).and she was in that house...and I'm praying it wasn't (step-uncle who sexually abused me) I saw her with. Because that man molested me. Do you see why I am so angry? My childhood was stolen.  And its your responsibilty to tell ceaser the truth...and protect his daughters from those evil people. I dont think you guys realize what hell it is living in my brain.  Because I cannot escape my past. When people talk about their childhoods, I'm reminded of mine. When people talk about their families...I'm reminded how I was abandoned because I was useless...because your husband did such a job on me...that i had no self confidence. I remember you you used to tell me to spit it out...bcz I would stutter..or say If I forgot it was lie. You used to call me the mouth when I was younger. But maybe you were all just doing things that wasnt right. But to shame a child....I can never get my childhood back. And I have to live the reality that I was a mother without any life skills...and that I learned more from my son ...than he learned from me, Because I was never taught love in my own family. Loyalty...but not love.



......She read it immediately. Facebook messenger, lets you know when you're message has been read.  I haven't heard from her yet.

I was raised as a sex slave in San Jose California

My pedophile step father served 6 years of a 12 year sentence.  But everything before and after will blow your mind.

I do have a end goal. There is definitely a reason that I'm writing this. I want people to read this. I feel that I have something to "say" and share...in a way that hasn't been properly expressed before.  I also want you to know who I am. Because If you know me, and you know my story, then you'll be more inclined to support my movement for the often unheard of.  It's actually something that we can all agree on, no matter faith, gender, skin tone, political affiliation ect.

I'm not very good at communicating. At times this will be very hard for me...as I search for words that are acceptable to clearly explain the trauma I endured as a child.

My sharing of such personal things is for the benefit of children. As my story unfolds, you'll be in shock , by all the people who let me slip through the cracks.

My end goal is to build a community AMAC's (Adults molested as children) and supporters who will support the movement to make pedophilia a capital crime. I want to hear your stories.  I want to know you, so that we can all work together. We all know that this is currently happening at this very moment...Too many children are being sexually abused.Are we going to just keep looking the other way? Its time to wake up, and help the true under represented "Children".

My story is my whole childhood...my recovery from my childhood is lasted my whole adulthood.

Stick around...It's going to be bumpy.


If you want to know more about me
https://www.facebook.com/beyrout
https://www.youtube.com/user/angelicnader