Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a part of my life. I've spent so much time trying to heal from it,be stronger than it, get over it, move on from it. Unfortunately, its not that simple. PTSD is not a choice. It's a side effect of deep trauma. It's something I've had to learn how to create a relationship with, to understand myself better. Instead if fighting it. I'm still doing a dance to try and understand the complexities of how my brain works.
Mental disability is never easy. But I promise, its a lot more frustrating..when it's a symptom of their childhood. No Adult should have to recover from their childhood.
I spent hours searching online, what does PTSD feel like for a victim of pedophilia. I found nothing. here is my experience.
I typically have a breakdown about once every 6 months. It's usually when a date passes or a holiday. When I see other families coming together...I start to isolate myself. When I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Like I have been recently.
It feels like my body has a cycle. The last time I had a episode was right before Christmas, When I wrote my mother that email I previously posted about. This time was too soon. less than a month away from my previous PTSD episode. PTSD is the result of 2 things in my life. 1 is the abuse I suffered. The 2nd, is that I was raised both motherless, and fatherless. Yes I had adults in the home. But not adults that protected me or made me feel safe and loved. My mother worked from swing shift. 3pm to midnight. So I always had to be quite in the morning. Fend for myself. She was living her life...I was just part of her life. I do not have good memories from my childhood. My only good memories are when we were with extended family...because it meant I there was no way he was going to touch me during that time. Anytime we went to relatives homes, He always told me....you cannot spend the night, dont ask. Bcz that is what I would do. I'd get my cousins to convince their parents of a sleep over. Those were the best times . I was free for a night. I understand now, why he didn't want me to sleep over. He didn't want me to open my mouth.
What he didn't realize is that I was to scared to open my mouth. This man who everyone in my family seemed to love. My mother had heart issues. She always made sure to let me know, that she didn't have heart problems, till I was born. The heart problems gave my step father, something to hold over my head. About 6 or 7 I started to rebel, I didn't want to go to his room anymore. And I even said that I was going to tell my mother. His response was very calm. He said something like "You've been doing this since you were younger. You turned me on and made me feel this way. You've been doing this. It will hurt your mother, she will have a heart attack and die. I will end in jail.....and you will be placed in foster home and raped by black men." Seriously!!! This is was my life. He blamed me for what he was doing to me. He blamed me, for his actions.
Okay, I just realized I went sooo far off. I stopped explaining what PTSD felt like..and lost my path. Happens far too often.
So It feels bad. I actually start to feel overwhelmed. I feel a deep sense of disconnection from everything. I start to question my reality. How can I be alive, if she didn't want me. Am I dream? Am I dead? I start to question who I am and what do I believe. I start to feel bad for myself...because I feel like I can never be normal. I start to get pains in my head. body aches. I become a little confused. Then a cold feeling of insecurity sweeps in...and then I'm in a full on attack mode that can last anywhere from 1 hour...to a few days. It's pretty exhausting. My chest starts hurting and I'm convinced I'm dying. A lot of unnecessary trips to the ER to make sure that I haven't had a heart attack. I'm truly convinced that I'm dying. I will cry and sob for hours. I grow angry that I'm still experiencing symptoms from my childhood. I usually start to blame my husband. I tell him he doesn't care enough about my situation. I get upset that his family loves him. I become this little girl who cannot move on from the things, that have been done to me. Nothing can comfort me. Nothing can make it right. I get angry with God. I'll scream and shout at God. Sometimes I've even damaged religious relics in my home(shameful to admit)...because the hurt is so much, that I cannot believe in God at that moment. But after these episodes..I usually spend days praying and feeling guilty and thinking what will I say, if he's real? It's a very horrible cycle. This most recent episode is because of the letter I sent my mother. I've been waiting for her reply since December. And even though I knew she might not respond. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I always think I'm strong. Then something happens that reminds me that I have a whole lot of healing to do. This most recent time. My husband called our 22 year son. My husband is suffering heart issues...and he didn't have the energy to keep up with me this time. The worst thing I have done in my life, is give my child to much responsibility. In a weird way, he's more of the parent than I am. He makes decisions based on logic. He will walk away from his feelings , if its the right thing to do. I have this thing..where I bathe in my feelings..and all logic is lost. He asked questions...then did what he does. Talked me down...and changed my thinking. But he also called me out on things. He's the only who can tell me how it is...and I wont get hurt, because I know its the truth.
Had I received the care and support I was entitled to as a minor when my step father was convicted of sexually abusing me, I might have been able to move on from my childhood. However....once he went to prison, and I was 16 years old. My mother had me paying rent, and for my own therapy...And she let me know...that this was something I was going to have to get over, because he was returning home after serving his sentence. (I'll share all those stories as well).
Mental disability is never easy. But I promise, its a lot more frustrating..when it's a symptom of their childhood. No Adult should have to recover from their childhood.
I spent hours searching online, what does PTSD feel like for a victim of pedophilia. I found nothing. here is my experience.
I typically have a breakdown about once every 6 months. It's usually when a date passes or a holiday. When I see other families coming together...I start to isolate myself. When I'm doing a lot of reflecting. Like I have been recently.
It feels like my body has a cycle. The last time I had a episode was right before Christmas, When I wrote my mother that email I previously posted about. This time was too soon. less than a month away from my previous PTSD episode. PTSD is the result of 2 things in my life. 1 is the abuse I suffered. The 2nd, is that I was raised both motherless, and fatherless. Yes I had adults in the home. But not adults that protected me or made me feel safe and loved. My mother worked from swing shift. 3pm to midnight. So I always had to be quite in the morning. Fend for myself. She was living her life...I was just part of her life. I do not have good memories from my childhood. My only good memories are when we were with extended family...because it meant I there was no way he was going to touch me during that time. Anytime we went to relatives homes, He always told me....you cannot spend the night, dont ask. Bcz that is what I would do. I'd get my cousins to convince their parents of a sleep over. Those were the best times . I was free for a night. I understand now, why he didn't want me to sleep over. He didn't want me to open my mouth.
What he didn't realize is that I was to scared to open my mouth. This man who everyone in my family seemed to love. My mother had heart issues. She always made sure to let me know, that she didn't have heart problems, till I was born. The heart problems gave my step father, something to hold over my head. About 6 or 7 I started to rebel, I didn't want to go to his room anymore. And I even said that I was going to tell my mother. His response was very calm. He said something like "You've been doing this since you were younger. You turned me on and made me feel this way. You've been doing this. It will hurt your mother, she will have a heart attack and die. I will end in jail.....and you will be placed in foster home and raped by black men." Seriously!!! This is was my life. He blamed me for what he was doing to me. He blamed me, for his actions.
Okay, I just realized I went sooo far off. I stopped explaining what PTSD felt like..and lost my path. Happens far too often.
So It feels bad. I actually start to feel overwhelmed. I feel a deep sense of disconnection from everything. I start to question my reality. How can I be alive, if she didn't want me. Am I dream? Am I dead? I start to question who I am and what do I believe. I start to feel bad for myself...because I feel like I can never be normal. I start to get pains in my head. body aches. I become a little confused. Then a cold feeling of insecurity sweeps in...and then I'm in a full on attack mode that can last anywhere from 1 hour...to a few days. It's pretty exhausting. My chest starts hurting and I'm convinced I'm dying. A lot of unnecessary trips to the ER to make sure that I haven't had a heart attack. I'm truly convinced that I'm dying. I will cry and sob for hours. I grow angry that I'm still experiencing symptoms from my childhood. I usually start to blame my husband. I tell him he doesn't care enough about my situation. I get upset that his family loves him. I become this little girl who cannot move on from the things, that have been done to me. Nothing can comfort me. Nothing can make it right. I get angry with God. I'll scream and shout at God. Sometimes I've even damaged religious relics in my home(shameful to admit)...because the hurt is so much, that I cannot believe in God at that moment. But after these episodes..I usually spend days praying and feeling guilty and thinking what will I say, if he's real? It's a very horrible cycle. This most recent episode is because of the letter I sent my mother. I've been waiting for her reply since December. And even though I knew she might not respond. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I always think I'm strong. Then something happens that reminds me that I have a whole lot of healing to do. This most recent time. My husband called our 22 year son. My husband is suffering heart issues...and he didn't have the energy to keep up with me this time. The worst thing I have done in my life, is give my child to much responsibility. In a weird way, he's more of the parent than I am. He makes decisions based on logic. He will walk away from his feelings , if its the right thing to do. I have this thing..where I bathe in my feelings..and all logic is lost. He asked questions...then did what he does. Talked me down...and changed my thinking. But he also called me out on things. He's the only who can tell me how it is...and I wont get hurt, because I know its the truth.
Had I received the care and support I was entitled to as a minor when my step father was convicted of sexually abusing me, I might have been able to move on from my childhood. However....once he went to prison, and I was 16 years old. My mother had me paying rent, and for my own therapy...And she let me know...that this was something I was going to have to get over, because he was returning home after serving his sentence. (I'll share all those stories as well).
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