silver linings

I’ve been trying to write this post for the past few days. As I initially began writing, I started questioning the paths that were being presented to me. So I thought, let me just think and ponder.

It’s very important that I remain focused on my end goal. It’s very easy to be excited about something just to have it all fall apart. Resulting from planning, that wasn’t well thought out or consideration wasn’t given to every participant.   That’s what I’m dealing with right now. I’ve had few opportunity’s present themselves. But every avenue I’ve been presented with…revolves around politics.  For me this is less a political thing. More a human thing. 

I’m jumping out on a limb here, and assuming the reason, A no one has made headway with this issue is pretty obvious. Where does a victim go to change the laws? To news stations and politicians?  Those they seek and turn to, are actually nothing more than opportunists. They have a goal that unlike ours …is a self-serving goal.  I need to always remember that. So, my first decision, is that…the foundation of our journey will be survivors.  My only goal at this moment is to make pedophilia a capital crime.

I have a lot of updates. But right now, I’m prepping for an endoscopy. Last summer, health issues crept up. But I’ve been taking care of myself.  After tomorrow, I should have a clear idea of the issues, and hopefully a treatment plan.

That’s one of the main reasons I haven’t been writing.  I’ve been so stressed out.  The doctor recommended that I go under anesthesia for the procedure. Severe PTSD and medical procedures can be pretty tricky. Now I’m regretting agreeing to going under. Because now I’m thinking, I’m going to be knocked out and people are going to have access to my body. Now, I know that no one will do anything to me. But I have no control over my brain, or flashbacks. This whole weekend I was kind of lost. Trying to distract myself…which was impossible. I can be a big mess, when anxiety creeps in. The silver lining is…. this is the worst thing in my life right now. So if the worst thing currently happening to me is, that I’m going to have a procedure, to find out what’s wrong with me.  Then I guess its time for me to count my blessings.  Sometimes It’s easy to get stuck, and hard to move forward.  As time goes on, it happens less.  My mother was fear based…I picked that up from her. It’s the last chain I need to break.

Send me good thoughts...I'll be back with a post on Wednesday.