I've suffering with
health problems since this past October. On October 4th I ended up in the
hospital. I always knew I was anemic. My mother always told me. She never told
me that it was something I could manage. She just always said I anemic. I
thought it was like a condition. Like something I was born with, and it would
always be that way. You probably are wondering. ...How stupid am I.
I'm not stupid. I just
process things a little differently. I was brainwashed for so long. It took my
whole childhood to become that person I was, When I became an adult. I
had no life skills. All I knew about myself, was that I was a burden.
That I ruined things. I was always in trouble. I was always getting beat with a
wooden paddle, or my step fathers leather belt. I often couldn't sit, because
of the welts. Over time he started to hit my back, because I'd have to play
sick on the days I couldn't sit on my rear, at school.
I having chest pain.
after a blood test, they told me that all of my iron stores were depleted and
my blood was 7.0 . I was having chest pain, because my body was shutting down.
They gave me liquid iron through a IV and started me on a high dose Iron
routine. Taking high doses of Iron can be painful. I get all these weird
electric shocks all over my body. The only good thing is...That I'm not really
going bald. I was loosing my hair in clumps because my stores were completely
depleted. I started getting stomach issues ....We thought it was ulcer.....it
was something else.
I got this in the mail last Saturday.
I'm grateful that whatever it is, was caught early. I have my doctors appointment next week. And I'll have more answers then. The last test I have to take, is a ultrasound. This seems like something simple. They will go in and remove it during an endoscopy, I assume.
Getting the letter , wasn't upsetting. The hard part was....having no one to call. Yes my husband and Son. But no one else. I started to have a breakdown and started messaging my mother a bunch of mean messages. Why? Because I'm a 41 year old women without anyone to call on...because I dont trust anyone. If my mother doesnt care about me...how can I expect others too? That's how I rationalize.
Even though things will be okay....The letter was still upsetting for me.
We decided to take a few days off of work , and head up north for a locksmith training that we originally said no, to. The training was near an healing center I've been to. So I was able to participate in some Ayurvedic massages and healing rituals in the evenings. I really needed it.
I also spent time with older women that I met. I realize that I'm sick because I'm so angry and carry so much hate for my mother...and an aunt, who pretended I didnt exist, because I no longer wanted my mother to live with me. I called her to disucss how having my mother living with me, was bad for my mental health. It was my therapist who told me that having my mother living with me, was a unhealthy situation. Well when I tried to tell my aunt, that my mother should live with my brother. She got so irritated with me, she tried to make me feel bad, about not being able to care for a woman who never mothered me. Her husband was convicted of molesting me at age 16.. She should have helped me to heal...instead at the age of 16 she had me paying 300$ rent, plus paying for my own therapy.
Those 3 years were terrible. Instead of helping me heal, she was focused on herself. She stayed married to her husband. Played the victim. Had me lie to extended family, she told me to say he was working at a lodge in Loyalton California. By the time I was 19 she had enough of me. She didnt know me, because she didnt raise me. Her husband did. I didnt have life skills. And she decided that it was time for her to live. She eventually broke up with her husband. ...Because she met another man.
seeee. I could go on and on. I carry this hate in my stomach. I know that's what it is.
She doesnt deserve anything from me. But I'm going to pray for her and for my aunt. I always thought we were close. If we were, she never would have gotten upset , that I got to place in my therapy, where I had to start removing bad things. She should have been happy to see me move forward. But she was upset with me.... That's when I realized ...She's not there yet. She doesnt accept my path, because she never intended to see me happy. Looking back on the things she said about her family...It makes sense. But I was young and suffered from a lack of motherlessness. I was a weak minded person...and she knew that. She even played in my head on a spiritual level.
So I'm going to pray for them. I forgive them, for everything. For screwing with me head. They dont know any better. They were raised by my grandmother....actually my aunt was raised by her aunt. Because my grandmother was a terrible mother. My grandmother, told my mother to stand by her man. I forgive her too.
I just pray to God, that if reincarnation exists. I dont want to be with that group again. They are horrible to children.
I have so much hate...that every time I say I want to pray for them...All these things come to my head. Memories of how they never taught me anything...just complained and made me feel like a burden.
So please everyone ...pray for me. Because I want to let go of this hate...and its hard. its really hard.
